(Nat's thoughts) On leaving and being left behind

Sorry to whoever stumbles upon this post but this was originally written a few weeks back (22 August to be exact) but I only had the time to finish it just recently.

This past week has been one of my saddest I've experienced so far. I have (yet again) returned to my host country with Maku, leaving behind my parents. While I have had the pleasure of having Wella (my one and only sister) accompany us on our trip back to Sydney, it was and will never be easy to leave those you truly and dearly love behind. The mixed sense of melancholy and anticipation (of being able to be with Cherrie) brings about a whirlwind of thoughts through my head, as we were about to enter pre-departure, a big question suddenly caught me off-guard, "why I'm I doing this?". The pervasive and most obvious answer would be because of having to be with Cherrie again. As a family unit, one need not ask the obvious, but coming from a tight-knit family, I cannot help but persistently ask myself 'why do I need to do this?'; 'why endure the pain of leaving those whom you love behind?'; 'why can't everyone have their cake and it eat too?'. I love my family, I love my wife and son to high heavens, I would love to do anything to make them happy. But again, the sinking feeling of having to leave someone else behind always creates emotional torture to some degree. I am quite a logical person, I like to see things in a structured, linear manner for me to appreciate the beauty of life. But I have learned early-on that life is not structured, it is a series of unstructured events only made coherent by those who see the big picture. It is like ordering a whopper meal from Burger King: one whopper, hold the onions, hold the mayo (yes, in some parts of the world, they are still a firm believer of mayo on burgers - much to my disappointment), regular fries, large soda, hold the ice - structure made simple by one's personal taste. Life could not be made much simpler by that analogy, I reckon. Again, the sad fact of the Filipino diaspora can be answered by economics, the law of supply and demand. When demand for skilled labour shifts from one's home country to another, supply would naturally gravitate to the demand. The mass exodus of Filipinos leaving their native soil in search of a better quality of life on foreign soil has always been espoused by the government as they (the joes and janes who run the country) have always seen this as an excellent source of foreign-denominated remittances which gives a huge boost to the GNP. But when will it stop ? When will our much-beloved country start inviting back all our skilled doctors, engineers, IT professionals, nurses and encourage them to share what they've learned ? India has done it, but why can't we ? So much Filipino talent is out there yet the Philippines is still 'third world' ?

But enough of this GNP/economics blah, blah. I am just sad of the fact that while Filipinos are going everywhere, the situation in the Philippines is going nowhere. Our decision to relocate and uproot ourselves wasn't based on a whim, or on a fleeting sense of despair. Sure our life back home was comfortable, we had our immediate and extended family for support, but the one thing that motivated us to move was the bleak future that lies ahead for our son. Now that we have had the privilege of seeing how dynamic and progressive a country can be, looking back I think we made right decision. Now, I go back to my earlier statement, parting ways with your dearly beloved is the price you have to pay for looking forward, for being a willing participant to change and the unknown. When Maku and I left Manila for the nth time, it was like leaving for the first time all over again. You put up an emotional barrier in the premise that you won't fall into tears but on the 11th hour get the opposite result, the human psyche truly is a complicated subject don't you think ? While in Manila, I was fortunate enough to meet up with some really close grad school buddies and they all asked the same question, 'what's it like' (living on foreign soil, alone) ? My usual retort is simply, "it's like dorm life but without the books". Most of us who stayed in the dorms eight years ago know fully well how it was like to have to fend for yourself, away from the comforts of home. All under the united premise that we'd all have to get good grades, good grades that would assure us eligibility for graduation. I think the concept is the same, it is the end result which is the difference.

Nat's turn - another feather added to my hat

Today started-out as any other day for most. But not for me, today's the day I had to prove not only to the people around me, but most importantly - to myself that I am worth every single cent AND tear (going back to school in manila, leaving Chi behind for the nth time, etc.). Today is the day I take my SAP certification exam. Today is the culmination of the five week's worth of intense studying (read: no partying, no gimmicks, no trips to the movie house, nothing, as in NADA!). Today was the day that will prove that I have somehow learned something during those five weeks. And guess what, I effing passed ! I couldn't effing believe it !

Remember that scene in Jerry Maquire wherein Tom Cruise 'thought' he'd signed up the character of Jerry O'Connell? (you know that 'Free Fallin' scene???). And man! I was doing just THAT in the car on my effing way home !!! The feeling of finally getting the exam over and done with and ALSO passing it was simply......ecstatic ! So OK, my reaction might very well be over the top but I certainly do think I deserve to be happy, most especially AFTER I found out that of those who took the exam (there were actually 3 of us), only one passed (there Kris, I said it ! hehehe!)

On another note, since I am now on update mode for this particular entry, I might as well add another blessing I've managed to receive today (5 Aug).....my US B1/B2 visitors visa has been approved for renewal ! The wait was tough and hard, especially if you have a 23mo old hurricane with you; why? because US State Dept regulations now require the personal appearance of children-regardless of age, I had to bring the little prince with me, but it was definitely worth it ! That's another ten year, multiple entry to the US for both me and the little squirt (this son of ours has more visas stamped on his passport than most grown-ups I know!) Good things come to those who wait, eh ?